Riding the waves

 Anxiety runs in my family. It manifests differently in all of us but we all, with the exception of my husband, run a tad anxious. My daughter has a hard time with big transitions. First days of school, for example. She'll let her worries reach a boiling point and then becomes immobilized. Tears fall. 

Before her first day of fifth grade we were on a flight home from Maui until 11:30 pm. She spent all of fifth grade at home due to the pandemic. Somehow we didn't plan around her transition. 

The night before she learned that due to new Covid precautions we couldn't walk her into school as we have every first day since preschool. This threw her for a big loop.

In the morning she was frozen with fear. She wouldn't get out of bed. We panicked.  We were all jet-lagged. We were ill-prepared.

My son left for school with some neighbors. 

After much overreacting and swinging our parent muscles left and right with hastily thrown threats and bribes and ending up empty handed and ashamed, a moment of clarity arrived.

Just get her to school. It doesn't matter what time. Find the counselors. This is their job and school is where we are supposed to be. 

I told Avery to not worry about making it to her classroom and we just needed to get to school where nice people could help us. 

She eventually got into the car. It wasn't easy sailing after that. She froze again in the car and wouldn't get out. We finally made it into the office. From there a plan was made for us to return to school after school to meet her teacher and see her classroom.  For the first morning of school she would meet the two counselors on the curb who would walk her in. 

It worked. She slowly started to loosen up and day two of school was our perfect first day. She left the car backpack swinging and did not look back. She had a wonderful fifth grade year.

Fast forward to her first day of 7th grade. I got Covid. Her brother started high school. Emotions were running high. She got a bad cold and fever four days earlier. No Covid, but her engine was low. She started a big deal performance team practice the day before school. 

She went to school but almost didn't get out of the car. When I got home from work she was tearful saying she hated school and hates her Spanish class. She isn't one to "hate school". The next morning she tried to get ready but tears were falling and she didn't feel well. 

Part of me was like here we go again, but now with kid #2. It was supposed to be my first day home alone in the house. I didn't push it. She stayed home.

She ended up sleeping until 2:00 pm. So perhaps she was still recovering, she was physically sick.

There were tears last night and she slept in my bed with me. I was prepared to not know at all how the morning was going to go only that we would need to get to school somehow someway.

Turns out she was fine. Chatty with her friend on the way over and out the door as if not a care in the world. 

Which brings me back to waves. I am continuing to learn how to ride the waves of emotions without gripping any of them. The stability is the ground and my own inner tools that I can access anytime. . Things are changing all of the time and to move deftly and gently in the midst or strong emotion is everything.  Moods and emotions come and go and the next day can truly be a new day. 

Big waves will come and they will go as quickly as they came. Until the next one...