Living the questions

I don't know. 

I know my son said he wasn't feeling well this morning. I know he is home in bed. I know it's a Monday after a week long vacation. What I worried about vaguely, it's always there, is that he would say he wasn't feeling well. His sister threw up on Saturday. She has missed a lot of school. To illness. So many colds and coughs and sore throats. Duane is taking her in for a strep throat swab as I type. 

I don't know if she has strep throat. I don't know if it's because she doesn't eat well, or exercise enough. I don't know a darn thing. 

I believe my son could have gone to school today. 

What I do know is that I woke up at 4:45 am this morning so I could write. Yesterday, I felt off too and worried wondered if it was just a matter of time before I was hunched over the toilet. I went on a three mile run not feeling entirely well. I wondered if I'd go to bed and then wake up with  my stomach roiling. 

That didn't happen. I sat at 5:00 am with a hot mug of coffee feeling alert and ready to write. What a small miracle. My new goal for myself is to start writing at 5:00 Monday and Wednesdays. Quitting alcohol and even Instagram it turns out is leaving more space. 

My son though said the words that still strike so much fear in me - I don't feel well.

I am not going to let this overwhelm me even though I could feel the rush of anxiety. It was there more like a wind. I was firm. I think you are well enough to go to school. I took away game time for this week. He said he'd try. 

He has his first soccer game tonight for high school. Is it related, the anxiety? I don't know.

I know I can take the long view. We know this is an issue for him. There is some anxiety and avoidance, and who really knows what bugs are lurking in his body. In truth there are so many this time of year. Don't we all want to stay in bed at least a quarter of the time?

I know it's really important to go to school. I know it's really important to learn how to push through that grey area. I'll continue to know and create boundaries around this knowing. I won't spin. I won't needlessly fret. 

Today I will go for a walk during my lunch. I will focus on my job as a college counselor. 

Growth is long and we are still working things out. I will focus on my tools, and continue to model. He insisted he wasn't feeling well. Who knows. I only know a few things these days. 

I know growing up takes awhile. I know patterns do not switch out over night. Whatever it is we'll handle it. I'll keep living the questions with as much grace and integrity and love as I can muster. 

Happy Monday!