Change

 Tomorrow my first born starts high school. He had a rough go of eighth grade where on the worst days I wasn't sure if we'd be where we are today. One thing I learned from that year of struggle was the ways in which my anxiety flared up like a bear on two legs mouth agape. 

I run anxious but I was in a near constant state of crisis for at least six months. He started getting better in April, with bumps along the way, but definitely progress. 

This kid was in a dark hole. Day by day week by week he pulled himself out. How you ask. Therapy? Medication? We did try medication and I am still conflicted about that choice. Therapy, no. He disliked his therapist and was as unwilling at they come. It doesn't help to talk about it he'd say again and again. 

I've come to believe that is true for him. 

What helped? A gym membership for one. Riding his bike to our local 24 hour fitness became a lifeline and source of confidence. 

Friends. He reconnected with all of his friends and that has made all of the difference.  

Swim team. He made it to practice most mornings at 7:30 am and also reengaged with soccer and tried out for a new team. 

He slowly worked his way out of isolation and I am so proud of him.

In honor of that kid I have decided to start high school with that kid in mind. It's so easy for me to worry about the kid from six months ago. I keep seeing shadows of that kid and I am not sure if he is real or not. Worry phantoms are everywhere!  

I am moving forward with the kid I have now who you would never know was struggling.  This kid is scared, excited, worried, and even sad that summer is over. He is facing a new school and he will certainly stumble but I am going to whole heartedly trust this kid to know how to navigate the halls of high school. 

He already has moved mountains. And, he is still just fourteen years old. 

Onward worried mama heart. You went through it and came out stronger. Anxious and strong all at once.