Terror and joy

 The mood rollercoaster is real, for me at least. It's fascinating at times to observe once there is distance. My fourteen year old had a rough patch - that's all I say about that - in his 8th grade year.  He pulled out of it (if there ever is a pulling out of it) starting in April and steadily integrated back into friend life, sports, and started a new passion - working out at the gym. 

But, I have serious PTSD. Or maybe it's just mom worry stuck on vigilance. How could it be otherwise? Or maybe I just run anxious, I mean I do. I am in recovery for anxiety, for a big time tendency to worry and try to fix and hedge against the worst versus just being and riding out the normal waves of life. 

Anyways, Friday night I am full of big, warm beautiful tears after dropping him off at his first football game.  Him and a friend were chatty all the way there trying to figure out the app for sports events at their school. The sun pored through the windshield and life just felt good. Tears of relief that our boy is back. And tears of excitement for all he gets to experience. The world is opening up for him. 

Then Monday morning without warning a text from him saying he's not feeling well and my mom is on her way to pick him up. 

And, it all came back. The fear, the dread, the lack of control, and the catastrophic thinking. I too woke up feeling bleh - on the verge of something - and I heard him coughing Sunday night which triggered the knife turn of anxiety in my stomach. He said his throat hurt when he woke up. 

I was a mess and then a confused mess. Maybe he really wasn't feeling great or is this the real truth of where we are - back to square one. He held on for a few weeks and now we are right back where we started. 

Finished work, talked to friend and cried with her, she too has had big teen parenting problems, went to my daughter's back to school night, came home and there was some calm. I took the day off Tuesday because I was feeling bleh and maybe it's also worry, who knows this gray area! The next morning he got up and ready for school and I somehow relaxed into some knowing of okay. 

Today is Thursday and so far so good. Sometimes I really don't know what is or isn't. I just know I need to move forward with real doses of trust, hope, and confidence in life and in growth. Nothing good is linear.