Day 71

 One thing I am noticing 70 days along this alcohol-free journey is the discomfort of just being with emptiness, pain, loneliness, anxiety, and even just the humdrum nature of life as an adult with two kids whose needs often overwhelm my own and a job. The grind can be real. Throw in some 51 year old hormones. I am sure my feel good  hormones are dipping. I am not on a SSRI, maybe I need to be, who really knows what is a tolerable amount of emotional pain?  I guess the fact that I am even asking says a lot - it's not hard for me to get out of bed and I haven't ever had a panic attack.  So, there is that baseline. 

But, I get deep stabs of anxiety for my kids, for their futures, for the planet, and for how many cars zoom around me at all times. I often don't feel well. I can also feel shaky in my marriage and that's another source of creaky floorboards, of not feeling trust in the future. 

Alcohol can be the thing that in a moment promises to elevate a mood or a moment. It can add some fun. I can add the "date" to date night. Add a glass of wine to a movie and suddenly it's not just another night on the couch. It's the promise of fun and loosening the screws on everyday. 

These things are not wrong or bad. 

But, for this year as I come out of a really difficult year with my kiddo where every ounce of my strength was challenged, where my anxiety seemed stuck on go every day, I am trying to reset my relationship to alcohol. 

It would be a beautiful thing if it could become a once and while special treat. It is and was often just that for me. After 365 days I will know my next best step. 

Until then I am watching how my emotions often go through their full cycles. Anxious and sad can be a long arch it turns out. Feeling anxious causes me to also feel sad. Everything feels so tight and limited when I get anxious. That and then fear. Fear of so many things. It starts creating a reality all its' own. Both fear and anxiety block joy. I am convinced it is physically impossible to experience joy when anxious. 

There needs to be calm before joy. At least some calm. 

Joy increasing is starting to feel like peace. My dog curled at the foot of my bed while I read a book.

I am reading so much these days and I love it. 

I am better able to observe my moods and emotions. They really do come and go like the weather. This sober journey though really is the long view. It takes patience. It's not punctuated by planned moments of release. Those come and go on their own. 

I am hiking a lot with Holly my pup and friends. Walking is a good thing. 

I am stretching every day. This is a new practice. We'll see what new windows present themselves.