Moving in the right direction

 Out of the ashes of so much trial and error and crisis of parenting a thirteen year old, a new mother was born. 

She's not the same mother she was when things were going okay. 

She likely won't remain the same mother either. Things are always changing. 

This new mother is still really a vision, a hazy aspirational outline of a real person. I am not her exactly but I wish to fill her shoes on most days.

This mother trusts her children completely. She loves and trusts them so much that she is not rattled when they stumble. She is not rattled when they are struggling with dark moods and emotions.

She is not afraid of their struggle. 

She provides nutritious food and is there for them as needed even when the moments are fewer and fewer.  I am happy to provide a ride to the gym, or to town to meet friends. 

I have so much empathy for how difficult it is to be a teen. The hormones, the moods, and the deep longing to fit in. 

I don't ask too many questions, especially questions that come from a place of concern or from a place that needs assurance. I am curious but I don't need to know to quell my own anxieties or to provide myself reassurance it's to better understand. 

I am not here to micromanage their success or failures. I am here to provide some real basic boundaries around health and safety - sleep, food, and expectations around school. 

I told my son that he can manage his screen time, for the most part, as long as he is doing well in school and participating in his sports. This formula seems to be working for the time being. My son has a deep need to do things on his own and he hates being managed - most people and kids do I suppose. 

I am here to provide lots of love and encouragement. I am also here to learn about all of my own baggage that flares up during this tricky stage of parenting. Take a breath and manage my own anxiety. 

Remember that his journey is his own. 

I am a calm leader. I am a tall tree that bends with the winds and storms but my roots are deep and strong. 

Growth is slow. As long as we are moving in the right direction. That is my new motto, moving in the right direction.