Sober change

Change is sobering. It's so slow and unclear until you have a hmm moment. It's less of a wow usually and more of a quiet sweet hum.

I am 52 days alcohol free and so far there's not a whole lot to say. It's gone really fast and I haven't really had a strong craving. 

I have felt wishful. It's a feeling of why would I deny myself the simple pleasure of a say a glass of wine when I am pretty low on the addiction spectrum. It's when I scroll through Instagram and see someone I admire with a glass of wine and other lovely things in the background - a pool and or a book. 

It's the idea of it that I really miss.  Almost like craving a new piece of clothing or even a slice of cake. 

The goal is a year and that feels like just about enough time to see what's next.  My toes are not yet feeling the bottom of forever.

365 days baby. It's an experiment and who knows if I'll land in a new space of change with it all. 

I have been solo parenting while my husband is away on a long trip. What little free time I have is filled with reading, hiking, running, hopping on the Peloton and being a mother of a two teenagers where I feel like I have to be on call to support their unpredictable social lives. A ride into town, to the movies, or the gym a mile away when it seems to dark to ride a bike. 

It's not so bad really, this life. I do crave some new wild abandon but I can't yet see the shape of that thing. Sober change is slow.