The holes inside

 It's not so much about the alcohol it is everything underneath. It's the holes my brain wishes the alcohol filled. It's the disconnection between how I wish to feel and how I do feel. It's social dislocation. It's self-pain. It's a lack of intimacy with the fullness of presence. 

This one year journey without is more about allowing all the holes to breath on their own, to stretch into something different. It is to understand more fully my relationship to a substance. 

It's really hard to cultivate this awareness and growth while drinking on a somewhat regular basis. Especially when it can vary week by week and I lose track how many and how frequent. And, it's all within the realm of "normal" consumption. I am fine-ish while I drink and fine enough. It's a hall of mirrors. It's like trying to stay dry while swimming in a pool. 

What is feeling good instead? It sort of seems that there really isn't a filling of holes. Nothing is that straightforward. It's more daily habits everyday that create peace in my bones. Some days I stretch or take a walk and it feels good but I can still feel bleh. Other days I can feel near euphoric after a great walk or run. I think on the days when I still feel bleh it's likely setting the stage for the beautiful moments. 

So, it's less filling holes and more cultivating a garden. The right nutrients, the right amount of light, water and hope. Then when you least expect it a sprout, a bloom!

What is feeling good these days:

Reading

Stretching - I now have a daily stretch practice 

Cooking and putting thought into good meals - yay veggie enchiladas!

Taking walks on my lunch breaks

Walking dogs with neighbor friends

Writing early in the morning on Mondays and Wednesdays - it feels so good to start the week off with a writing session!

Wearing flowy pajama bottoms after work

An occasional CBD gummy at night 

Learning to be with really hard feelings - sadness, anxiety, etc. 

It's all the simple things really. Why do we humans have to make it so complicated!!??