Anxiety Journey

 I got up this morning to write. Duane slept on the couch as we are all fighting off a nasty bug. Made a huge cup of coffee and sat in bed waiting for it to help prepare me to write. I no longer scroll Instagram in the morning - it just sends my mind off in too many directions. 

So, I settle myself. 

I have been working on an essay for  months now trying to make sense of a really hard year we had last year with our son. He missed 5 months of school and never returned for 8th grade graduation.

The essay is turning into one about my anxiety journey because that is all I can really speak to. He is back on his feet, more or less. He still is a young 14 year old, but he is making good grades and is making some new friends and has adjusted to high school. 

He sleeps about 20 feet away in his own bedroom. I know he is likely to stay home. He slept most of Sunday and had a sore throat. The sickness, the staying home.. it all knocks on the door of my anxiety. First quietly and then with a roar.

My anxiety found a home in his struggle and I am still finding my way out. 

I am still writing about it and learning as I go.

The themes that have emerged from the struggle: moving in the right direction, old growth redwood (a human life has many rings and becoming is a long long process - so, drop this idea of linear as I parent, riding the waves (I even got a tattoo on my right arm representing this!) vs expecting and clinging to calm, embracing anxiety, embracing the whole ride - all of it. 

Also, what is helpful? Is it helpful to think x or y. Is it even real, or just future tripping?

So many worse case scenarios have not come true. It's been a ride just noticing the gap between thoughts and reality.

Perfectionism is in there. I need things to seem a certain way to feel a certain way. Why can't I focus on my inner experience instead. I cultivate openness and calmness inside so I can manage whatever comes my way. 

I choose to do things that make me feel grounded vs spinning and hand wringing. Make dinner. Make homemade pizza dough. Read my book. Get on the Peloton. 

I am also hoping to model for my kids what emotional wellness looks like. All these things and so much more!