My choosing practice

I am going to consciously choose bravery over fear and joy over perfectionism and hope over fear. I say consciously because my reactions skew towards fear and anxiety when there is unease and uncertainty, which these days can feel like all the time as I navigate parenting a fourteen year old. 

There are dark moods that go up and down. Friday after track he was optimistic. It was clear he enjoyed himself. He asked me to look over an English essay earlier that day.

He had a fun ski day in Tahoe with his dad. 

We got home about 9:30 pm and then the Sunday Scaries. He got grumpy and went to his room. I know the drill. Sunday nights are the worse. 

Somewhere deep down I anticipated this. I woke him up and shortly after he says he is not feeling well. 

He is not sick. Did he get poor sleep? Does he feel anxious? Does he have exams he probably didn't prepare well for? Yes, yes, yes and yes. 

I threatened and raised my voice. Took away the games and phone for the week. He didn't budge.

He said he feels like "shit." His exact words.

And, so I get myself to work and my daughter to school. 

He has to learn. And, I have to learn to not get caught in my own anxiety cycles. This will be his ninth missed day of school thus far. It's high but it's not part of a bigger pattern. It's February. 

I can't spiral. 

He is fourteen. 

I am almost fifty two. 

I will do my best to help him self-reflect and get back on track this week. There is COPA to sign up for and his track just started. 

We'll just keep working at it. 

It's a process. And, on my side of the fence I want to hold bravery, joy, and trust tightly so anxiety and fear know their place.  It's the foundation, not anxiety. Anxiety and fear will fly in and out and make everything feel unsteady for a spell but my foundation is solid. 

I have to strengthen that foundation with daily practices and intentions. 

Today I did a meditation on our living room chair. 

I called a friend on the way to work. 

I am here writing on my lunch break.

I treated myself to a very large coffee and milk.

After work I will get groceries and later walk Holly. 

I want to be a steady presence for my son and daughter. They are at challenging ages and I want them to feel like I can help hold the hard. I am here for them like a steady tree with long roots that they can sometimes seek shade from. 

The messy parts are intrinsic to growth. Failure is intrinsic to growth. They have to learn. I have to learn to allow and to trust that they will eventually be fine and already are so fine. We are not learning on a tightrope across two tall mountains. 

I will choose to strengthen my own resources so I can be the calm leader I want to be and so I don't deplete much needed energy through worry and fear.